I'm A Mess...

I just wrote a blog, thought I deleted it, decided to start new, deleted the header and actually realized that I didn't delete anything at all.

Basically, i haven't heard back from either job interviews, but i'm still confident.

My life is a mess right now. My mood has been so awful lately. I've taken things out on Chad that I shouldn't have.

Today, i'm depressed. Yesterday, I picked myself up and laughed a ton. This morning, and afternoon, I can't place my mood. I feel like i've let myself down. I feel like i've done some damage. To myself and my best friend.

I'm staying as strong as possible, but I just want my bed and my tears. Although, I want that feeling of the things I want to go away. I don't want to mope and lay in bed. I want to go back in time, maybe just a few weeks, but I know I can't. So, i'm facing the day....everyday.

Today, It Just Feels Too Hard...

**Updating**

So, it's been a few days and not much has changed in my life. I'll give you a quick rundown.

Chad and I are better than ever. I think we both realize how much we love each other a little more everyday. We met 8 months ago today. I've lived with him since November. So, we moved rather quickly. I pretty much lived with him before we used the "L" word.

Even though we moved faster than we would have liked, I don't regret the decision. We've had some battles and struggles with our relationship. But it took those struggles for us to grow. Now, we know what we want. We want each other and everything we have to offer. I'm not getting married tomorrow, though. So, no need to start planning anything. We're taking it day by day and growing.

Our roommate, Steve, told me that we make a really happy couple and you know...we really do. Our home is full of love and laughter, even in bad times. You must laugh through the struggles, right? Well, for us, it works. He is so supportive of my goals and ambition. He sticks with me through everything and gives me positive criticism. He is pushing for me to be the best, as I am him. Together, we'll take on the world, no doubt about it. He's the Love Of My Life.

As far as work goes, it gets hard to make it through the day sometimes. I got a $1.00 raise. A dollar is a dollar, so I can't complain. However, I do have an interview this week with a company that will pay 2 dollars more an hour. YAY! Wish me luck. It feels like it's going to be a great opportunity and it feels like "the one". So, now it's all about interviewing and being hired.



Our Little Girl, Abigail, is growing up so fast. She just turned 1 last Monday. She's starting to become more independent. She doesn't need "Mom" and "Dad" to entertain her anymore. She's finding her own entertainment. She's getting so big, so fast. She'll be a mommy next year. I'm so excited to have little baby puppies running around. Well, until they're sold anyways. I keep saying "Babe, can I have a puppy?". Haha. The answer is always no, but I know we have enough responsibility for one pup for now.

So, i'm a little discouraged with my job, but I'm still happy. My life is so full of love from Chad, Abigail, My Family, and My Friends. No matter the struggles, i'm still so so blessed.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?


Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Hello Again...♥

So, it's been a month. Hi.

I'm doing my best to grow.
Changing from a girl to a woman.
It takes time.
It's taken me 22 years and an amazing man.
Now, I know the direction I want to go.
I'm finding my future self.
I'm happy.
I'm in love.
I'm laughing.
Most of all, i'm learning.
Learning to free myself from my own restraints.

I'm the only one who has control over me, but for so long, i've let everyone else control me. From what jobs I do, to what color hair i'll have. Not anymore. I'm pulling out with inner "bitch" that's been in hiding.

I'm demanding more money. I'm demanding more respect. I won't settle for dishonesty. I'm speaking my mind and saying how I feel. I'm not scared, I'm secure.

I'll do it, and in time, i'll be the amazing woman I have always wished to be. Only now, I have the strength to be that woman.

Wishing for Better Days...♥

Have you ever made a decision without thinking that turned your whole world upside down? Feeling so helpless, lost, and confused?

Well, I had my first experience last night and I want to erase it!