I'm A Mess...

I just wrote a blog, thought I deleted it, decided to start new, deleted the header and actually realized that I didn't delete anything at all.

Basically, i haven't heard back from either job interviews, but i'm still confident.

My life is a mess right now. My mood has been so awful lately. I've taken things out on Chad that I shouldn't have.

Today, i'm depressed. Yesterday, I picked myself up and laughed a ton. This morning, and afternoon, I can't place my mood. I feel like i've let myself down. I feel like i've done some damage. To myself and my best friend.

I'm staying as strong as possible, but I just want my bed and my tears. Although, I want that feeling of the things I want to go away. I don't want to mope and lay in bed. I want to go back in time, maybe just a few weeks, but I know I can't. So, i'm facing the day....everyday.

Today, It Just Feels Too Hard...

**Job Hunting**

I must have applied/sent resumes to 4,560,083 potential employers today.

I get so tired when I job hunt, seriously. Have you ever done it? It's hard.

I'm so stressed out in my life right now. My hair is falling out, I am nauseated 99.888888899999% of the time, and I cry whenever I get a second to myself.

See, I have a tough job. I have to have the utmost patience. I do the job of 4 full time employees, and make just a few dollars over minimum wage. My position in other companies pays 15.00+ an hour and that's for 1 job being done, not 4. It's sad, really.

I'm not pitying myself, though I would like to. It just makes me sad because this is my first "real" job and there is no acknowledgement or benefit to everything i've learned. I've worked hard. I trained myself, for the most part. I came to work with pneumonia for a week. Now tell me that's not dedication.

I just wish someone could see my potential and for god's sake, "Show Me The Money".

I'm a Survivor. At this point, that's all I can be.

I know that life's handed me some "downs", but that just means "ups" are right around the corner, right? I sure hope i'm handed a lot of "ups" in the next little while, because sometimes holding out feels unbearable.

The Shell That Is Now Broken....

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Wilco, Bubbles, and Wine.

This hasn'tbeen the easiest week of my life. I've had a million eye opening experiences...no joke. I've cried, laughed, loved, hated, yelled, pissed, moaned, and laughed again.

I reached my breaking point yesterday.

After a long day at the office, I cried the whole way home. I quickly contained myself before my boyfriend came home. We talked once he did. He's amazing. He always knows what to say to keep me thinking straight. To keep me going. I am blessed to have him in my life.

Today, I woke up cheerful. Once I got to work, it all went down hill.

I'm quitting my job in January. I'm moving on. I've been here for 3 and a half years. Change terrifies me, but I have changed so much this year. I figure, now's the time to get it done. So, i'm doing it.

The holidays have me stressed, man. Not money. Just stressed with family and stuff. Ugh...Can't we just skip it?