The Shell That Is Now Broken....

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?


Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Thank you for the appreciation.

So, I asked for the raise that I truly deserve yesterday.

I got it.

I don't know the amount yet, but i'll be getting one nonetheless.

I'm still piloting for another job though.

I need more in a job. More advancement, more opportunity.

There's great opportunity here, but it'll take quite a few more years to get there.

Who knows how much the economy will change by that time?

Sex Offender Meets Tiffani.

This is the blog I wrote on myspace a few days after meeting the sex offender.I saw him 2 more times in the mall after I posted this blog. I was so scared I hid from him.

February 22, 2007 - Thursday

I'm NOT going to lie...I'm a little scared now!!
Current mood: nervous
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers


Okay, this is kind of a long story, so bare with me here....lol!!

Sunday: I'm at work with 4 pieces....yes 4....in my hair!!(I used to work in the mall selling fake hair pieces. They were rather cute actually). I was HAIR, that's it!! A guy approaches me and tells me that he'd like me to do some modeling for him! He starts telling me about himself, movie sets he's worked on, pics of him with some of the celebs he's worked with(jess simpson, treat williams, cuba gooding....to name a few)....So, I thought 'Wow, he seems pretty dang legit, but i'm not going to just jump in and go for it!' He asks me for my number and I say okay....what's the worst that could happen? I can always change my number! He texts me and says, "I hope this doesn't sound silly, but i'm really excited to work with you!"...Wow, a little unprofessional, don't you think?

I meet up with him after work....purely out of curiousity! Don't worry, I brought my friend, Randi, with me...for my own safety! He tells me about his career and the things he's done in the past....just a ton of stuff! He seemed REALLY "iffy" at that point........

We all know me....I'm going to eventually end up in a BODY bag because I'm "Curious Tiffani"! When something sounds fishy, I get nosy and try to figure it all out......

Monday: So, I agree to meet up with him after work! He texted me and said good morning! Now that is EVEN MORE unprofessional! I ignored it!! I call him after work and he tells me to meet him at Wheeler Farm to meet "Susie" one of his models that was "dying to meet me".....right? So, I go......ugh.....

I meet "Susie" and she's telling me about art exhibits, places he's worked, and how he's SO good at what he does! He goes on to tell me in private that he wants me to commit to him for 1 year.....This means: No dating/sex/relationships, being at his beck and call, always answering to him, and extravagant trips! I'm calling bullshit in my head the WHOLE time.....

"Susie": A girl that's still a while away from 19...been working with him for a year and a half...does drugs...is VERY naive...he buys her EVERYTHING....she talks about the gifts he gives her, the massages that he gives to help her "lose weight"...and just a whole bunch of stuff!

We're standing there talking, his camera in hand and he says..."Tell me you want to fuck me!" Ummm...that's like WAY OVERBOARD unprofessional, but at that point, I was honestly a little scared for myself! I just thought to myself...I don't even know how to describe this feeling! It's like nervous, terrified, and just plain bad.......I get back in the car to warm up and he starts talking about how we should all go and get drunk in Wendover and shoot pics all night! I was like WTF?? NO NO NO!!!

He starts telling me how he's going to pay me $100 dollars an hour to "act" like i'm his girlfriend/mistress/lover.......GROSS...he told me he was 55....DOUBLE GROSS!!

Tuesday: I see his car...a silver buick with a police antenna and radios in his car!?!?....broken down on the road, with a WOMAN inside! He claims he's unmarried, right? Yeah, weird! I had Jacob come with me back to the car to talk to the woman and get info on this guy!! Well, the car was gone when we got back! So, he calls me and I tell him I don't want to hear from him anymore....he agrees and quickly ends the conversation!!

So, i'm in the shower and I think, 'Why don't you check the sex offender registry for him?' Something I should have done in the first place.....duh.....So, i look him up and SURE enough, he was convicted of 2 second degree charges for sexual abuse of a child! His targets are in fact, adult females and minor females!! Needless to say, I was quite upset! I put myself in a situation that could have turned to my own "murder or rape investigation"....what was i thinking? Well, I was just overboard curious!!

Now, i'm worried about "susie", she's young naive and doesn't quite understand what she's getting into....or at least, that's what I think!! Yeah, so that's my FREAKY scary story!!
Now, i'm scared to go anywhere at night, scared to go to work, be anywhere alone......ugh......i hate PEDOPHILES>.......what is this world coming to!?!?!?!?

Nothing to Blog About.

10 random things you may not know about me:
1. I only eat M&M's by color and even numbers.
2. I was stung by a jelly fish my first time to the beach in like 15 years and it was my first day of vacation.
3. I have a fro. No joke. My hair is super curly and all brushed out it stands on end.
4. I listen to my new cd's a million times over because I HAVE to know EVERY word.
5. I've battled an eating disorder(okay 2) since I was 12 years old. I'm winning the fight though.
6. I think that my life could be a reality show.
7. I was stalked by a convicted sex offender and let him stalk me so that I could figure him all out.
8. I'll probably die because of my curiousity. I want to be a detective and figure everything out.
9. I was almost kidnapped when I was 14.
10. I'm freaking HIlarious. I have a bitchy smartass attitude most days, but hide it a lot of the time.

9 places i have visited:
1. Kauai, Hawaii.
2. California.
3. Idaho.
4. St. George.
5. Vegas.
6. Arizona when I was little.
7. Tiajuana.
8. Elko, Nv.
9. Wendover.

8 ways to win my heart:
1. Hold my hand.
2. Kiss me on the forehead.
3. Introduce me to your family and friends.
4. Show me affection in public.
5. Love You Family
6. Make me giggle when I have a bad day.
7. When I cry, even if it's for no reason, hold me and tell me it'll be okay.
8. Tell me you love me and MEAN it.

7 things I want to do before I die:
1. get married
2. have a family
3. Live in Italy.
4. Have a great career.
5. Have a strong relationship with my mom.
6. skydive.
7. Swim with Sharks.

6 things I am afraid of:
1. I
2. refuse
3. to
4. live
5. in
6. fear.

5 things I don’t like:
1. Confrontation
2. Liars.
3. Cheaters.
4. Negative People.
5. Onions.

4 ways to turn me off:
1. Talk to me about an ex.
2. COmpare me to a family member.
3. Tell me I wouldn't look fat if it weren't for my love handles.
4. Have bad breath.

3 things I do everyday:
1. Laugh.
2. Sleep.
3. Thank my honey.

2 things that make me happy:
1. My baby cakes...both of them.
2. Feeling appreciated.

1 thing on my mind right now:
1. I need to stop stressing.

Happy New Year♥

Happy New Year everyone. We spent the New Year with Chad's brother, Lance and all of their friends. It was definitely the best new years of my life. I got to kiss him at midnight. Beginning this year with him. I'm so blessed to have my amazing family, friends, Chad, and Abigail.

Last year began rough, but ended with sheer happiness. I live with Chad now. We're building our future together. I made my first "Casa de Schouten" purchase this past weekend. I bought a lamp for our bedroom and blinds for the computer room.

Chad's made my life so wonderful from the moment he walked in. I don't know how i'd survive without him. At first, I knew I didn't want a relationship. The more I pushed the relationship away, the more we began to grow together. I still don't know how to understand or explain what happened. Mostly because, I don't know how we got to this place. All I know is,I have the best boyfriend and puppy, Abigail, in the whole world.

I've drifted from most of my friends, but the closest ones I have know I love them very much. They've been there for me and always will be. I appreciate them all so much.

Happy New Year to you all.

Wilco, Bubbles, and Wine.

This hasn'tbeen the easiest week of my life. I've had a million eye opening experiences...no joke. I've cried, laughed, loved, hated, yelled, pissed, moaned, and laughed again.

I reached my breaking point yesterday.

After a long day at the office, I cried the whole way home. I quickly contained myself before my boyfriend came home. We talked once he did. He's amazing. He always knows what to say to keep me thinking straight. To keep me going. I am blessed to have him in my life.

Today, I woke up cheerful. Once I got to work, it all went down hill.

I'm quitting my job in January. I'm moving on. I've been here for 3 and a half years. Change terrifies me, but I have changed so much this year. I figure, now's the time to get it done. So, i'm doing it.

The holidays have me stressed, man. Not money. Just stressed with family and stuff. Ugh...Can't we just skip it?

Hello Again...♥

So, it's been a month. Hi.

I'm doing my best to grow.
Changing from a girl to a woman.
It takes time.
It's taken me 22 years and an amazing man.
Now, I know the direction I want to go.
I'm finding my future self.
I'm happy.
I'm in love.
I'm laughing.
Most of all, i'm learning.
Learning to free myself from my own restraints.

I'm the only one who has control over me, but for so long, i've let everyone else control me. From what jobs I do, to what color hair i'll have. Not anymore. I'm pulling out with inner "bitch" that's been in hiding.

I'm demanding more money. I'm demanding more respect. I won't settle for dishonesty. I'm speaking my mind and saying how I feel. I'm not scared, I'm secure.

I'll do it, and in time, i'll be the amazing woman I have always wished to be. Only now, I have the strength to be that woman.

I Love You...♥

The three words that terrify me most, but make me feel great when I hear them.

I've always had a problem with this. I never experienced love to it's fullest. I've loved before, but I was young when I did. I said it to only 2 boys. I loved those boys. One a jr. high boyfriend...turned close friend. And to a high school boyfriend turned best friend.

I know what love is and how significant those words are. What terrifies me is if I say it, and the same isn't returned. Although, that's never happened to me, it scared me to think it might.

The day I met "him", I knew and felt that this was my "one".

I took a risk, I jumped, I cried, I fought, and most of all, I let him have my vulnerability.

The moment he reciprocated the feeling, was the most significant, happiest moment of my life. Until the day I die, i'll remember my "true love" and the feeling that rushed through my body when he said "I Love You Too"

I Love My Daddy..

I spoke my mind this morning...

I wasn't very nice at all...

Am I supposed to be nice to a DeadBeat Father?

I think not.

I have the BEST DADDY in the world. A man that would AND has bent beyond his reach to give me everything I wanted. He's comforted me in times I couldn't comfort myself. He told me I was beautiful every 5 minutes when I was little. He came to dance recitals, baseball games, and cheer practice. All because I was his "little magilla gorilla". He was always so proud of me. Helping me acheive my goals and making some of my dreams come true.

The day he met the love of my life, I saw the "this man is the one for her" look in his eyes, that only a father has. On the day I walk down the aisle(not anytime soon), with my daddy by my side, I know he'll be full of pride for his "little magilla gorilla".

My daddy has made it a point to have strong, loving relationships with myself, and my brothers. He and My Momma have been the best parents in the good and especially in the bad times.

Which brings me to my rant and rave. Recently, I had a friend find out that she was going to have a baby....she was in labor when they told her....an hour later, a handsome little boy came into this world. I love he and his mother so dearly. His father, on the other hand, is completely DeadBeat.

It's not my friends fault. He manipulated her.

Now, i'm usually one to mind my own business, but today I didn't. After receiving a myspace friend request from him, I couldn't take it anymore. I told him exactly how I felt. He's a DeadBeatDad. I told him that. I had to. He has no clue what amazing people he's taking advantage of, but I DO.

I'm blessed to have My Daddy. Some kids aren't. I don't feel bad for him(the baby), however. Because he's got his mom and one day, she'll find the right man. I would rather him have an adopted dad than a DeadBeat one.