Can I please speak to you for a minute?

Hi. I need to speak with you.

I've been thinkng about life a lot lately. Trying to decipher the word "friend". Now, the word friend means-"one attached to another by affection or esteem". That's better than any way I could describe the word friends. So, we'll stick with it.


Now, in all of my podering, I've realized that I have a handful of friends. Not a big handful, a small one. There are people in my life that want what's best for me. They care about me. They ask how my life is going. They ask how my boyfriend and little girl are doing. They don't pass judgement too fast when given a situation. They want to be a part of my future. They show that they want a part in my future. And I do all the same for them.

That's what you call a friend. A person who cares.

I also know my fake friends from my real friends. I don't talk to my fake friends, obviously. Nor, do I have them ANYWHERE in my life. What's the point of having someone in your life that you know talks badly of you, makes fun of you, and then shows up in your face to play nicely? I don't quite get the "fake friend" concept. If I think someone's a piece of shit or a person I don't want in my life, I let it be known. I don't know for sure why people sugar coat everything. In Utah, I see that so much. I just wonder if it's different everywhere else.

What I do know for sure is, I've met the man of my dreams. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I was born to spend my life with. He's real, honest, and to the point. He never hurts my feelings or bad mouths me to his friends. His friends and family all think i'm perfect, because he portrays me that way. He's more perfect than I could ever dream of, but sometimes, I don't give him the credit he deserves. I can't wait to spend my life with my best friend ever. We're going to have the sweetest puppies, make beautiful blonde-headed babies, and live our lives happily.

Because we are choosing to live our lives the way we want.

GoodBye...♥

She Apologized.
I Couldn't Accept.
It Was Time To Say Goodbye.

I met this girl, we'll call her Kathy, through a friend of mine. We hit it off, became pretty close friends, and then she moved 300 miles away. I kept up with the friendship for a while. Kathy would always tell me that I wasn't a good friend because I never visited her. Visiting her wasn't the problem, money was.

She's lived there for almost 3 years now and i've seen her twice. If she ever needed a friend, i'd be here. She'd always text me and we'd talk about our lives, stresses, love and friendships.

One day last week, she sent me a text telling me her husband had thrown her into a wall three times and had bruised her kidney, liver and small intestine. Which, by the way, isn't really possible. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. So, I asked if she pressed charges on him. Her response was no. I said,"Well, that's your decision". I wasn't saying it to be rude, just trying to be supportive.

She pretty much just freaked out on me after that. Telling me i'm a horrible friend for not visiting her. She also said some very hurtful things about my boyfriend. I took it pretty well. Told her to stop her little pity party and such. Never once did I disrespect her or say anything hurtful.

Her last text: "All I did was tell u some info today i didn't complain or anything and you should talk suicide queen. Leave me alone unless u want a harassmfmt charge C*NT."

Now, i'm sorry, but that's so uncalled for.

Saturday night, I got a text saying "I'm sorry there are no excuses for my actions". She's right, there is no excuse. You just totally disrespected me, my boyfriend, and some of the other people I love, so i'm not sccepting an apology.

As far as I'm concerned, the friendship is dead. I hope Kathy has a great life, but it's not a life I want ANY part of.

The Shell That Is Now Broken....

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Hello Again...♥

So, it's been a month. Hi.

I'm doing my best to grow.
Changing from a girl to a woman.
It takes time.
It's taken me 22 years and an amazing man.
Now, I know the direction I want to go.
I'm finding my future self.
I'm happy.
I'm in love.
I'm laughing.
Most of all, i'm learning.
Learning to free myself from my own restraints.

I'm the only one who has control over me, but for so long, i've let everyone else control me. From what jobs I do, to what color hair i'll have. Not anymore. I'm pulling out with inner "bitch" that's been in hiding.

I'm demanding more money. I'm demanding more respect. I won't settle for dishonesty. I'm speaking my mind and saying how I feel. I'm not scared, I'm secure.

I'll do it, and in time, i'll be the amazing woman I have always wished to be. Only now, I have the strength to be that woman.

I Love My Daddy..

I spoke my mind this morning...

I wasn't very nice at all...

Am I supposed to be nice to a DeadBeat Father?

I think not.

I have the BEST DADDY in the world. A man that would AND has bent beyond his reach to give me everything I wanted. He's comforted me in times I couldn't comfort myself. He told me I was beautiful every 5 minutes when I was little. He came to dance recitals, baseball games, and cheer practice. All because I was his "little magilla gorilla". He was always so proud of me. Helping me acheive my goals and making some of my dreams come true.

The day he met the love of my life, I saw the "this man is the one for her" look in his eyes, that only a father has. On the day I walk down the aisle(not anytime soon), with my daddy by my side, I know he'll be full of pride for his "little magilla gorilla".

My daddy has made it a point to have strong, loving relationships with myself, and my brothers. He and My Momma have been the best parents in the good and especially in the bad times.

Which brings me to my rant and rave. Recently, I had a friend find out that she was going to have a baby....she was in labor when they told her....an hour later, a handsome little boy came into this world. I love he and his mother so dearly. His father, on the other hand, is completely DeadBeat.

It's not my friends fault. He manipulated her.

Now, i'm usually one to mind my own business, but today I didn't. After receiving a myspace friend request from him, I couldn't take it anymore. I told him exactly how I felt. He's a DeadBeatDad. I told him that. I had to. He has no clue what amazing people he's taking advantage of, but I DO.

I'm blessed to have My Daddy. Some kids aren't. I don't feel bad for him(the baby), however. Because he's got his mom and one day, she'll find the right man. I would rather him have an adopted dad than a DeadBeat one.