Beginning To Breathe Again♥

So, with the good, comes the bad.

First, the good. I'm finally figuring out my communication problems, or lack thereof. I'm finally gaining my happy self back and it feels great. I've been making Chad so unhappy lately. All because, my attitude sucked and I was always on edge. Now, i'm changing it. When I first met him, I was SO happy and funny. Over the past few months, I lost that part in myself. I feel her inside and i'm pulling so hard for her to shine again, and she is starting to.

I found out that my uncle has liver cancer and his prognosis doesn't look too great. We know a little more information by the day, but it doesn't make it easier. He's such a great man, he's lived a great life. He's a catholic priest. He baptized me and performed my first communion. I always thought he'd be the one to perform my marriage ceremony, but now that's not looking feasible. He's older, and i'm focusing on all of the great things he's done and the lives he's changed. He's such a strong and courageous man.

I have 1 day and 21 minutes left at my job. Then, i'm on to starting my new one on Thursday. I'm excited, scared, nervous, and all around happy about starting a new one. People keep telling me how missed i'm going to be and I can't help but tear up when they do. This place has been my life since I was 19...that's 4 years. Now, I have a new place to call my work life. I really don't know how i've survived all of the things that have happened to me.

What I do know is that, 2008 is going to be great. It started out a little rough, but now, it's so promising and optimistic.

Close You Eyes and View Yourself....♥

When I looked at him, I just knew. I'd done something terrible. Unintentionally terrible, I might add.

I've been so worried about losing the love of my life that it was actually pushing him further away. Everything he said, just kind of clicked. I'm being too needy! I'm being too worried! I am not the girl he fell in love with!

This morning, I woke up, and took a breath. It's going to be okay. I'm going to laugh, live, and love today. I'm going to laugh, live and love myself, rather. I'll still love him, but i'm letting him be him while I "regroup" myself. It's going to be a hard road, but i'm up for the challenge.

On the job front, I got a REJECTION email this morning. I could have cried, but I didn't. I went on another interview today. So, I checked in with the guy. His reply was fast and POSITIVE. "We are very impressed by you. I have one more interview and i'll be scheduling the day for you to come back in and do the second interview"! Phew! That lifted me. No reason to get down when one doesn't work out. Move on to the next, right? Well, I am.

An hour later, I spoke to a friend at the company I got the rejection from and it turns out, I wasn't actually rejected. I got a letter from the corporate office, but the local office hadn't made any decisions yet. Phew! Number 2.

I'm staying strong, sticking it out and figuring it out.

I'm changing for myself, my love, my baby girl, and my future.

Remember when I was funny, happy, sweet, and extremely charming?

Yep, believe it. I was.

Okay, in all fairness, I still am those things. Except, they've gone into hiding.

I've been stressed beyond belief lately. I don't pay any "household" bills. I pay MY bills and that's it. My bills total a measley $532 a month. Pretty low, right? I make roughly 3-4 times that a month. Well, it's taken me 6 months to get the handle on my bills. Now that I have, they'll never be high again. Anyways, so I feel like i'm not contributing enough, financially. So, from this pay period on, i'll be putting my money in the bank to pay my bills and the rest into Chad's. Becaue that way, at least I'll feel like i'm helping out.

Weights lifted off my sholders...1

Secondly, i've been stressed about my weight. See, I have a boyfriend. My boyfriend's dad has a boat. I, however, look awful in a bathing suit. Okay, maybe not completely awful, but I could look better. So, i've been watching what I eat more. Surprise to me, i've actually gone down a few pounds. 5 to be exact. I was 150 when I met Chad. 3 months after, I was 138. As of today, i'm 133. My summer "goal" is to be to 120. No problem there.

Weights lifted....2

Last, but never least, my attitude is now being left at the door. I've been so worried about NOT getting a new job, losing Chad, and trying to be perfect. When Chad said to me, "Stop being afraid of losing me, you HAVE me", I was floored. With that, came tears of sadness, joy, and confusion. Why am I being so neurotic? Why am I not being that "Happy Tiff" that people like? Where did I fall? Why did I fail?

The answer to all of the questions couldn't have come sooner. I'd like to make a reference to "the secret" now. The secret, although I've never seen it, basically states "mind set over matter". If you think bad things are going to happen, they will. Lately, only negative thoughts have come to my mind. Well, if I want to be happy...."IF" has to come out of my dictionary and be replaced with "WHEN".

So, i'm leaving you all with some of my own "WHEN" statements:

When I get a new job, i'll be so happy and we'll be financially great.

When I get into that teeny tiny bikini, i'll be satisfied.

When I look in the mirror, I'll always see how beautiful I am.

When i'm 65 sitting with Chad on our porch(in our matching rocking chairs with beautiful grandkids playing in the yard), i'll know I made my life was all it was supposed to be.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU'VE ALL GIVEN ME DURING THIS "TRYING" TIME. IT'S DUALLY NOTED AND MUCH APPRECIATED.

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Stop being so self conscious of who you are.

You are..

Beautiful

Smart

Fun

Amazing

and

Loved

It's hard to be with you when you're so neurotic. Girls text him, yes. Have you looked at the man you love? He's gorgeous and girls will always want what you have. He's been an amazing addition to your life and you're lucky to have him.

If you don't stop this bitchiness, you may lose him. He texts with girls and there's nothing you can do. It doesn't mean he wants them. It just means that he's bored at work, talking for entertainment, and just maintaining a friendship.

He loves you. You see it when he looks at you. He whispers it to you when he wakes up to YOUR alarm at 5AM, and even though it's an hour and a half before he has to get up, it doesn't bother him one bit. He makes sure you are taken care of. He pays the bills, he lets you live in his house, and he's with you 100% of the "off work" time. Don't get angry if he talks to another girl 1% of that time.

Don't forget about the love you have for him. Ignore the other girls. They're just that, girls. You're the woman, the woman he wants to be with. Forget all of the BS and remember the man you love. Keep the love together. This is the man that you are born to be with, so be with him. Don't let whores affect that. They're nothing, and honey, you are EVERYTHING TO HIM.

All of the love in the world,
Your Hearts♥

Can I please speak to you for a minute?

Hi. I need to speak with you.

I've been thinkng about life a lot lately. Trying to decipher the word "friend". Now, the word friend means-"one attached to another by affection or esteem". That's better than any way I could describe the word friends. So, we'll stick with it.


Now, in all of my podering, I've realized that I have a handful of friends. Not a big handful, a small one. There are people in my life that want what's best for me. They care about me. They ask how my life is going. They ask how my boyfriend and little girl are doing. They don't pass judgement too fast when given a situation. They want to be a part of my future. They show that they want a part in my future. And I do all the same for them.

That's what you call a friend. A person who cares.

I also know my fake friends from my real friends. I don't talk to my fake friends, obviously. Nor, do I have them ANYWHERE in my life. What's the point of having someone in your life that you know talks badly of you, makes fun of you, and then shows up in your face to play nicely? I don't quite get the "fake friend" concept. If I think someone's a piece of shit or a person I don't want in my life, I let it be known. I don't know for sure why people sugar coat everything. In Utah, I see that so much. I just wonder if it's different everywhere else.

What I do know for sure is, I've met the man of my dreams. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I was born to spend my life with. He's real, honest, and to the point. He never hurts my feelings or bad mouths me to his friends. His friends and family all think i'm perfect, because he portrays me that way. He's more perfect than I could ever dream of, but sometimes, I don't give him the credit he deserves. I can't wait to spend my life with my best friend ever. We're going to have the sweetest puppies, make beautiful blonde-headed babies, and live our lives happily.

Because we are choosing to live our lives the way we want.

**Updating**

So, it's been a few days and not much has changed in my life. I'll give you a quick rundown.

Chad and I are better than ever. I think we both realize how much we love each other a little more everyday. We met 8 months ago today. I've lived with him since November. So, we moved rather quickly. I pretty much lived with him before we used the "L" word.

Even though we moved faster than we would have liked, I don't regret the decision. We've had some battles and struggles with our relationship. But it took those struggles for us to grow. Now, we know what we want. We want each other and everything we have to offer. I'm not getting married tomorrow, though. So, no need to start planning anything. We're taking it day by day and growing.

Our roommate, Steve, told me that we make a really happy couple and you know...we really do. Our home is full of love and laughter, even in bad times. You must laugh through the struggles, right? Well, for us, it works. He is so supportive of my goals and ambition. He sticks with me through everything and gives me positive criticism. He is pushing for me to be the best, as I am him. Together, we'll take on the world, no doubt about it. He's the Love Of My Life.

As far as work goes, it gets hard to make it through the day sometimes. I got a $1.00 raise. A dollar is a dollar, so I can't complain. However, I do have an interview this week with a company that will pay 2 dollars more an hour. YAY! Wish me luck. It feels like it's going to be a great opportunity and it feels like "the one". So, now it's all about interviewing and being hired.



Our Little Girl, Abigail, is growing up so fast. She just turned 1 last Monday. She's starting to become more independent. She doesn't need "Mom" and "Dad" to entertain her anymore. She's finding her own entertainment. She's getting so big, so fast. She'll be a mommy next year. I'm so excited to have little baby puppies running around. Well, until they're sold anyways. I keep saying "Babe, can I have a puppy?". Haha. The answer is always no, but I know we have enough responsibility for one pup for now.

So, i'm a little discouraged with my job, but I'm still happy. My life is so full of love from Chad, Abigail, My Family, and My Friends. No matter the struggles, i'm still so so blessed.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Survey...♥

1. Where is the person you have feelings for right now?
He's probably just leaving his work shop to go out on a job.

2. What are you doing Friday night?
We don't have plans, at this point.

3. Name what you did yesterday?
Worked, drove to spanish fork, played xbox, fell asleep, went to the store and then back to bed.

4. Last person you text messaged?
Steve-O.

5. Who was the last person to call you?
I don't even know.

6. What are you doing right now?
Invoicing, and this survey.

7. What color are your eyes?
Christian said it best..."Your eyes are like navy around the outside, blue and green on the inside, and you have a speck of yellow and brown in the center.

8. Do you like anyone?
I like nice, genuine people.

9.Are you dating the last person you kissed?
Yes, have been for a while now.

10. Who is the last person to message you?
Lindsers.

11. What color is your hair?
Brown.

12. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
Yeah, I always sang

14. Who knows a secret or two about you?
Chad and my "balcony crew".

15. When was the last time you lied?
Friday.

16. Do you like fires?
I like cuddling up next to a fire

17. Did you have a nap today?
Nope, it's 9 AM.

18. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans

19. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I don't actually remember.

20. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Maybe one day in my life I did

23. Where were you 1 hour ago?
Same place I am now

24. Where were you 8 hours ago?
Cuddled up in my bed.

25. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?
They didn't have to tell me, I just knew.

28. What are you looking forward to?
Just seeing where my life takes me.

29. Do you want to kill someone right now?
E V I L

30. What radio station do you listen to?
Right now, K-Bull 93. I'm thinking of turning on some KT Tunstall though.

31. Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
I cropped all of them out of the pics. I looked cute and they didn't lol.

32. What are you listening to?
Don't BLink

33. What do most people call you?
Tiff.

34: Who would you pick to disappear from the planet?
No one, that's pretty evil, too...

36: Largest age difference between yourself and someone you've dated?
He was almost 10 years older than me. I was young and dumb :(

37: What time did you wake up today?
5:50AM.

38: How do you want your death?
Peacefully

39: Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?
Yeah.

41: Rock, paper, scissor...
Rock is the first choice everytime.

42: How often do you go to church?
Never.

43: Speaking of church, are you going to heaven or hell?
Heaven, no doubt.

45: If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to vent to?
Chad.

46: Do you like to cuddle?
I can never get enough.

47: What is your biggest fear?
I do my best at not fearing anything

48: Are you confident?
A little too much sometimes

49: Are you a good driver?
I think so, Chad doesn't. lol.

50: Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
He's at work

51: Why did your last relationship end?
Because the guy was PSYCHOTIC.

52: Three favorite candies?
Truffles, Sour Patch Kids, and Screamin' Sours.

53: What do your parents do?
They have day jobs and own their own business.

54: If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
New York, the first chance I get. Paris will be the summer home.

55: Where do you think the most attractive oppostie sex comes from?
America?

56: Pets?
Our Little Girl, Abigail.

57: What are you doing tomorrow?
Working.

58: Favorite person to get advice from?
My momma.

59: What time is it?
3:00PM.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?


Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Happy New Year♥

Happy New Year everyone. We spent the New Year with Chad's brother, Lance and all of their friends. It was definitely the best new years of my life. I got to kiss him at midnight. Beginning this year with him. I'm so blessed to have my amazing family, friends, Chad, and Abigail.

Last year began rough, but ended with sheer happiness. I live with Chad now. We're building our future together. I made my first "Casa de Schouten" purchase this past weekend. I bought a lamp for our bedroom and blinds for the computer room.

Chad's made my life so wonderful from the moment he walked in. I don't know how i'd survive without him. At first, I knew I didn't want a relationship. The more I pushed the relationship away, the more we began to grow together. I still don't know how to understand or explain what happened. Mostly because, I don't know how we got to this place. All I know is,I have the best boyfriend and puppy, Abigail, in the whole world.

I've drifted from most of my friends, but the closest ones I have know I love them very much. They've been there for me and always will be. I appreciate them all so much.

Happy New Year to you all.