**Updating**

So, it's been a few days and not much has changed in my life. I'll give you a quick rundown.

Chad and I are better than ever. I think we both realize how much we love each other a little more everyday. We met 8 months ago today. I've lived with him since November. So, we moved rather quickly. I pretty much lived with him before we used the "L" word.

Even though we moved faster than we would have liked, I don't regret the decision. We've had some battles and struggles with our relationship. But it took those struggles for us to grow. Now, we know what we want. We want each other and everything we have to offer. I'm not getting married tomorrow, though. So, no need to start planning anything. We're taking it day by day and growing.

Our roommate, Steve, told me that we make a really happy couple and you know...we really do. Our home is full of love and laughter, even in bad times. You must laugh through the struggles, right? Well, for us, it works. He is so supportive of my goals and ambition. He sticks with me through everything and gives me positive criticism. He is pushing for me to be the best, as I am him. Together, we'll take on the world, no doubt about it. He's the Love Of My Life.

As far as work goes, it gets hard to make it through the day sometimes. I got a $1.00 raise. A dollar is a dollar, so I can't complain. However, I do have an interview this week with a company that will pay 2 dollars more an hour. YAY! Wish me luck. It feels like it's going to be a great opportunity and it feels like "the one". So, now it's all about interviewing and being hired.



Our Little Girl, Abigail, is growing up so fast. She just turned 1 last Monday. She's starting to become more independent. She doesn't need "Mom" and "Dad" to entertain her anymore. She's finding her own entertainment. She's getting so big, so fast. She'll be a mommy next year. I'm so excited to have little baby puppies running around. Well, until they're sold anyways. I keep saying "Babe, can I have a puppy?". Haha. The answer is always no, but I know we have enough responsibility for one pup for now.

So, i'm a little discouraged with my job, but I'm still happy. My life is so full of love from Chad, Abigail, My Family, and My Friends. No matter the struggles, i'm still so so blessed.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

**Job Hunting**

I must have applied/sent resumes to 4,560,083 potential employers today.

I get so tired when I job hunt, seriously. Have you ever done it? It's hard.

I'm so stressed out in my life right now. My hair is falling out, I am nauseated 99.888888899999% of the time, and I cry whenever I get a second to myself.

See, I have a tough job. I have to have the utmost patience. I do the job of 4 full time employees, and make just a few dollars over minimum wage. My position in other companies pays 15.00+ an hour and that's for 1 job being done, not 4. It's sad, really.

I'm not pitying myself, though I would like to. It just makes me sad because this is my first "real" job and there is no acknowledgement or benefit to everything i've learned. I've worked hard. I trained myself, for the most part. I came to work with pneumonia for a week. Now tell me that's not dedication.

I just wish someone could see my potential and for god's sake, "Show Me The Money".

I'm a Survivor. At this point, that's all I can be.

I know that life's handed me some "downs", but that just means "ups" are right around the corner, right? I sure hope i'm handed a lot of "ups" in the next little while, because sometimes holding out feels unbearable.

Survey...♥

1. Where is the person you have feelings for right now?
He's probably just leaving his work shop to go out on a job.

2. What are you doing Friday night?
We don't have plans, at this point.

3. Name what you did yesterday?
Worked, drove to spanish fork, played xbox, fell asleep, went to the store and then back to bed.

4. Last person you text messaged?
Steve-O.

5. Who was the last person to call you?
I don't even know.

6. What are you doing right now?
Invoicing, and this survey.

7. What color are your eyes?
Christian said it best..."Your eyes are like navy around the outside, blue and green on the inside, and you have a speck of yellow and brown in the center.

8. Do you like anyone?
I like nice, genuine people.

9.Are you dating the last person you kissed?
Yes, have been for a while now.

10. Who is the last person to message you?
Lindsers.

11. What color is your hair?
Brown.

12. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
Yeah, I always sang

14. Who knows a secret or two about you?
Chad and my "balcony crew".

15. When was the last time you lied?
Friday.

16. Do you like fires?
I like cuddling up next to a fire

17. Did you have a nap today?
Nope, it's 9 AM.

18. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans

19. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I don't actually remember.

20. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Maybe one day in my life I did

23. Where were you 1 hour ago?
Same place I am now

24. Where were you 8 hours ago?
Cuddled up in my bed.

25. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?
They didn't have to tell me, I just knew.

28. What are you looking forward to?
Just seeing where my life takes me.

29. Do you want to kill someone right now?
E V I L

30. What radio station do you listen to?
Right now, K-Bull 93. I'm thinking of turning on some KT Tunstall though.

31. Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
I cropped all of them out of the pics. I looked cute and they didn't lol.

32. What are you listening to?
Don't BLink

33. What do most people call you?
Tiff.

34: Who would you pick to disappear from the planet?
No one, that's pretty evil, too...

36: Largest age difference between yourself and someone you've dated?
He was almost 10 years older than me. I was young and dumb :(

37: What time did you wake up today?
5:50AM.

38: How do you want your death?
Peacefully

39: Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?
Yeah.

41: Rock, paper, scissor...
Rock is the first choice everytime.

42: How often do you go to church?
Never.

43: Speaking of church, are you going to heaven or hell?
Heaven, no doubt.

45: If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to vent to?
Chad.

46: Do you like to cuddle?
I can never get enough.

47: What is your biggest fear?
I do my best at not fearing anything

48: Are you confident?
A little too much sometimes

49: Are you a good driver?
I think so, Chad doesn't. lol.

50: Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
He's at work

51: Why did your last relationship end?
Because the guy was PSYCHOTIC.

52: Three favorite candies?
Truffles, Sour Patch Kids, and Screamin' Sours.

53: What do your parents do?
They have day jobs and own their own business.

54: If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
New York, the first chance I get. Paris will be the summer home.

55: Where do you think the most attractive oppostie sex comes from?
America?

56: Pets?
Our Little Girl, Abigail.

57: What are you doing tomorrow?
Working.

58: Favorite person to get advice from?
My momma.

59: What time is it?
3:00PM.

Shedding Some Light On Myself...

I hate feeling like i've failed. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have it now. I feel like everything I say or do, is wrong.

I start to get nauseated. I worry all too much. I get restless thinking how is :this: going to blow up in my face? When really, why should I worry? People know who I am. They know I don't hide a ton from people. I'm an open person.

Well, i've learned a lesson. Sometimes, I speak before I think. It can hurt people and I need to not do that, because that's not the type of person I am.

I need to be more private.
I need to live a little more quietly.
I can't spill my heart everywhere.
When I have problems, I need to go to the person I have the problem with.

The Shell That Is Now Broken....

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?


Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Thank you for the appreciation.

So, I asked for the raise that I truly deserve yesterday.

I got it.

I don't know the amount yet, but i'll be getting one nonetheless.

I'm still piloting for another job though.

I need more in a job. More advancement, more opportunity.

There's great opportunity here, but it'll take quite a few more years to get there.

Who knows how much the economy will change by that time?

Sex Offender Meets Tiffani.

This is the blog I wrote on myspace a few days after meeting the sex offender.I saw him 2 more times in the mall after I posted this blog. I was so scared I hid from him.

February 22, 2007 - Thursday

I'm NOT going to lie...I'm a little scared now!!
Current mood: nervous
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers


Okay, this is kind of a long story, so bare with me here....lol!!

Sunday: I'm at work with 4 pieces....yes 4....in my hair!!(I used to work in the mall selling fake hair pieces. They were rather cute actually). I was HAIR, that's it!! A guy approaches me and tells me that he'd like me to do some modeling for him! He starts telling me about himself, movie sets he's worked on, pics of him with some of the celebs he's worked with(jess simpson, treat williams, cuba gooding....to name a few)....So, I thought 'Wow, he seems pretty dang legit, but i'm not going to just jump in and go for it!' He asks me for my number and I say okay....what's the worst that could happen? I can always change my number! He texts me and says, "I hope this doesn't sound silly, but i'm really excited to work with you!"...Wow, a little unprofessional, don't you think?

I meet up with him after work....purely out of curiousity! Don't worry, I brought my friend, Randi, with me...for my own safety! He tells me about his career and the things he's done in the past....just a ton of stuff! He seemed REALLY "iffy" at that point........

We all know me....I'm going to eventually end up in a BODY bag because I'm "Curious Tiffani"! When something sounds fishy, I get nosy and try to figure it all out......

Monday: So, I agree to meet up with him after work! He texted me and said good morning! Now that is EVEN MORE unprofessional! I ignored it!! I call him after work and he tells me to meet him at Wheeler Farm to meet "Susie" one of his models that was "dying to meet me".....right? So, I go......ugh.....

I meet "Susie" and she's telling me about art exhibits, places he's worked, and how he's SO good at what he does! He goes on to tell me in private that he wants me to commit to him for 1 year.....This means: No dating/sex/relationships, being at his beck and call, always answering to him, and extravagant trips! I'm calling bullshit in my head the WHOLE time.....

"Susie": A girl that's still a while away from 19...been working with him for a year and a half...does drugs...is VERY naive...he buys her EVERYTHING....she talks about the gifts he gives her, the massages that he gives to help her "lose weight"...and just a whole bunch of stuff!

We're standing there talking, his camera in hand and he says..."Tell me you want to fuck me!" Ummm...that's like WAY OVERBOARD unprofessional, but at that point, I was honestly a little scared for myself! I just thought to myself...I don't even know how to describe this feeling! It's like nervous, terrified, and just plain bad.......I get back in the car to warm up and he starts talking about how we should all go and get drunk in Wendover and shoot pics all night! I was like WTF?? NO NO NO!!!

He starts telling me how he's going to pay me $100 dollars an hour to "act" like i'm his girlfriend/mistress/lover.......GROSS...he told me he was 55....DOUBLE GROSS!!

Tuesday: I see his car...a silver buick with a police antenna and radios in his car!?!?....broken down on the road, with a WOMAN inside! He claims he's unmarried, right? Yeah, weird! I had Jacob come with me back to the car to talk to the woman and get info on this guy!! Well, the car was gone when we got back! So, he calls me and I tell him I don't want to hear from him anymore....he agrees and quickly ends the conversation!!

So, i'm in the shower and I think, 'Why don't you check the sex offender registry for him?' Something I should have done in the first place.....duh.....So, i look him up and SURE enough, he was convicted of 2 second degree charges for sexual abuse of a child! His targets are in fact, adult females and minor females!! Needless to say, I was quite upset! I put myself in a situation that could have turned to my own "murder or rape investigation"....what was i thinking? Well, I was just overboard curious!!

Now, i'm worried about "susie", she's young naive and doesn't quite understand what she's getting into....or at least, that's what I think!! Yeah, so that's my FREAKY scary story!!
Now, i'm scared to go anywhere at night, scared to go to work, be anywhere alone......ugh......i hate PEDOPHILES>.......what is this world coming to!?!?!?!?

Nothing to Blog About.

10 random things you may not know about me:
1. I only eat M&M's by color and even numbers.
2. I was stung by a jelly fish my first time to the beach in like 15 years and it was my first day of vacation.
3. I have a fro. No joke. My hair is super curly and all brushed out it stands on end.
4. I listen to my new cd's a million times over because I HAVE to know EVERY word.
5. I've battled an eating disorder(okay 2) since I was 12 years old. I'm winning the fight though.
6. I think that my life could be a reality show.
7. I was stalked by a convicted sex offender and let him stalk me so that I could figure him all out.
8. I'll probably die because of my curiousity. I want to be a detective and figure everything out.
9. I was almost kidnapped when I was 14.
10. I'm freaking HIlarious. I have a bitchy smartass attitude most days, but hide it a lot of the time.

9 places i have visited:
1. Kauai, Hawaii.
2. California.
3. Idaho.
4. St. George.
5. Vegas.
6. Arizona when I was little.
7. Tiajuana.
8. Elko, Nv.
9. Wendover.

8 ways to win my heart:
1. Hold my hand.
2. Kiss me on the forehead.
3. Introduce me to your family and friends.
4. Show me affection in public.
5. Love You Family
6. Make me giggle when I have a bad day.
7. When I cry, even if it's for no reason, hold me and tell me it'll be okay.
8. Tell me you love me and MEAN it.

7 things I want to do before I die:
1. get married
2. have a family
3. Live in Italy.
4. Have a great career.
5. Have a strong relationship with my mom.
6. skydive.
7. Swim with Sharks.

6 things I am afraid of:
1. I
2. refuse
3. to
4. live
5. in
6. fear.

5 things I don’t like:
1. Confrontation
2. Liars.
3. Cheaters.
4. Negative People.
5. Onions.

4 ways to turn me off:
1. Talk to me about an ex.
2. COmpare me to a family member.
3. Tell me I wouldn't look fat if it weren't for my love handles.
4. Have bad breath.

3 things I do everyday:
1. Laugh.
2. Sleep.
3. Thank my honey.

2 things that make me happy:
1. My baby cakes...both of them.
2. Feeling appreciated.

1 thing on my mind right now:
1. I need to stop stressing.

Happy New Year♥

Happy New Year everyone. We spent the New Year with Chad's brother, Lance and all of their friends. It was definitely the best new years of my life. I got to kiss him at midnight. Beginning this year with him. I'm so blessed to have my amazing family, friends, Chad, and Abigail.

Last year began rough, but ended with sheer happiness. I live with Chad now. We're building our future together. I made my first "Casa de Schouten" purchase this past weekend. I bought a lamp for our bedroom and blinds for the computer room.

Chad's made my life so wonderful from the moment he walked in. I don't know how i'd survive without him. At first, I knew I didn't want a relationship. The more I pushed the relationship away, the more we began to grow together. I still don't know how to understand or explain what happened. Mostly because, I don't know how we got to this place. All I know is,I have the best boyfriend and puppy, Abigail, in the whole world.

I've drifted from most of my friends, but the closest ones I have know I love them very much. They've been there for me and always will be. I appreciate them all so much.

Happy New Year to you all.