2 weeks, really?

It's been 2 weeks since my last post and there's a lot going on.

The new job is wonderful. For once, I feel like i'm doing something that I will continue to enjoy, not dread. They're wonderful with training me. Which is one thing the other job lacked. I learned it all pretty much by myself and screwed up a lot. So, that's why people didn't appreciate me. They couldn't stop looking at all of the bad things I did(because of lack of training) and see where I was able to get myself to.

Chad got us a new puppy. His name is Lenny. Pictures will come soon. He's a border collie and blue heeler mix. He's so fun to play with. He's my first puppy. Abigail is my first dog, but Lenny has been mine since he came home. So, that's the difference. I love my little Abigail. She's doing well too. Getting used to the new little brother and cuddling up to him at night.

That's all I have for right now. I hope everyone is doing well. I don't have blogger.com at work, so I can't write :( But, i'll try to get on more often.

Beginning To Breathe Again♥

So, with the good, comes the bad.

First, the good. I'm finally figuring out my communication problems, or lack thereof. I'm finally gaining my happy self back and it feels great. I've been making Chad so unhappy lately. All because, my attitude sucked and I was always on edge. Now, i'm changing it. When I first met him, I was SO happy and funny. Over the past few months, I lost that part in myself. I feel her inside and i'm pulling so hard for her to shine again, and she is starting to.

I found out that my uncle has liver cancer and his prognosis doesn't look too great. We know a little more information by the day, but it doesn't make it easier. He's such a great man, he's lived a great life. He's a catholic priest. He baptized me and performed my first communion. I always thought he'd be the one to perform my marriage ceremony, but now that's not looking feasible. He's older, and i'm focusing on all of the great things he's done and the lives he's changed. He's such a strong and courageous man.

I have 1 day and 21 minutes left at my job. Then, i'm on to starting my new one on Thursday. I'm excited, scared, nervous, and all around happy about starting a new one. People keep telling me how missed i'm going to be and I can't help but tear up when they do. This place has been my life since I was 19...that's 4 years. Now, I have a new place to call my work life. I really don't know how i've survived all of the things that have happened to me.

What I do know is that, 2008 is going to be great. It started out a little rough, but now, it's so promising and optimistic.

March 4, 2008

Wow...it's been a while, eh.

I can't explain how I feel right now.

I've made so many things so much harder than they should be. I've lost love for myself. It depresses me. I don't feel beautiful, sexy, smart, or funny anymore.

It hurts.

The fact that i've done this to myself, hurts even more.

I took something amazing, and I broke it. It is repairable, I know it.

I quit my job last Wednesday, my last day is Wednesday the 12th. I couldn't be happier about it. My new job is going to change a lot. I'll be happier and more satisfied with my job. That's been the biggest thing is that I'm not happy with my job. I bring my work issues home with me, and I shouldn't. I take my frustrations out on others. My new job is so excited about me starting, it's great. For once, going somewhere new is a great feeling.

I slept alone last night for the first time in about 4 months. It really sucked. I had nothing. When I woke up every half hour or so, my "BabyLove"(my parent's cat that I raised from a little kitty) was curled up in my arms. I'd start crying and do what I could to get more rest.

Today, I feel as though i've been on a 6 month drinking binge. My lips burn, my head is pounding, and my mouth feels sticky. My head is positive, my heart♥ is hurting. I made a mistake, one I can't take back, but I felt I did what I had to. I definitely learned a thing or two this week. They're hard lessons, but i'm learning them.

Scentsy Consultant

I am now a scentsy consultant. Scentsy warmers are seriously the BEST form of candles. They're decorative, fresh, fun and you can change the fragrance whenever you'd like. If you want to check it out, my website is www.scentsy.com/5885. You can look at the catalog online and all of my contact information is on my consultant page. They can ship right to your house or I can deliver them locally. So, check them out and if you're interested in becoming a consultant or just want to order the products call me or email me. Like I said, all of my info is on my consultant page.

Thank you all for the support you offer in my new business venture.

Best wishes,
Tiffani.

Close You Eyes and View Yourself....♥

When I looked at him, I just knew. I'd done something terrible. Unintentionally terrible, I might add.

I've been so worried about losing the love of my life that it was actually pushing him further away. Everything he said, just kind of clicked. I'm being too needy! I'm being too worried! I am not the girl he fell in love with!

This morning, I woke up, and took a breath. It's going to be okay. I'm going to laugh, live, and love today. I'm going to laugh, live and love myself, rather. I'll still love him, but i'm letting him be him while I "regroup" myself. It's going to be a hard road, but i'm up for the challenge.

On the job front, I got a REJECTION email this morning. I could have cried, but I didn't. I went on another interview today. So, I checked in with the guy. His reply was fast and POSITIVE. "We are very impressed by you. I have one more interview and i'll be scheduling the day for you to come back in and do the second interview"! Phew! That lifted me. No reason to get down when one doesn't work out. Move on to the next, right? Well, I am.

An hour later, I spoke to a friend at the company I got the rejection from and it turns out, I wasn't actually rejected. I got a letter from the corporate office, but the local office hadn't made any decisions yet. Phew! Number 2.

I'm staying strong, sticking it out and figuring it out.

I'm changing for myself, my love, my baby girl, and my future.

Alone, at my desk, crying.....

Tears of joy...are all that are coming from my eyes.

As of this morning, this is all I felt:

Last night, I came home to a flat tire, a nail got it. So, on top of the lack of money, I now have to worry how to pay for this tire. I still don't have a new job. AND every interview/resume response, didn't work out. I've been sinking into the dark hole of depression(explained in my last blog). I was beginning to be positive and happy. Then, my tire really just bursted my bubble.

As of 3 o'clock mountain time....I can't stop crying.

I received a phone call on a job i've been DYING to hear from. My initial phone interview went so well. So well that, I have an interview on TUESDAY. WOOT. then, I get an email from another employer for a great opportunity that I submitted my resume for THIS MORNING. I'll be interviewing with him on MONDAY. Last but not least, my dad took my tire in this afternoon and it was under warranty and replaced for FREE.

I now just feel so grateful that i've been patient. I can feel it paying off. The only tears I can muster are of pure bliss. Knowing that I am going to succeed and god...AND the power of my mind set are pushing me in the BEST of directions.


I say this now "All of my patience, hardwork, dedication, are paying off. I now get to CHOOSE what I WANT...NOT take WHAT I NEED".

I'll be commenting on all of the new posts from my fellow bloggers tomorrow.

Wishing you all well.

Remember when I was funny, happy, sweet, and extremely charming?

Yep, believe it. I was.

Okay, in all fairness, I still am those things. Except, they've gone into hiding.

I've been stressed beyond belief lately. I don't pay any "household" bills. I pay MY bills and that's it. My bills total a measley $532 a month. Pretty low, right? I make roughly 3-4 times that a month. Well, it's taken me 6 months to get the handle on my bills. Now that I have, they'll never be high again. Anyways, so I feel like i'm not contributing enough, financially. So, from this pay period on, i'll be putting my money in the bank to pay my bills and the rest into Chad's. Becaue that way, at least I'll feel like i'm helping out.

Weights lifted off my sholders...1

Secondly, i've been stressed about my weight. See, I have a boyfriend. My boyfriend's dad has a boat. I, however, look awful in a bathing suit. Okay, maybe not completely awful, but I could look better. So, i've been watching what I eat more. Surprise to me, i've actually gone down a few pounds. 5 to be exact. I was 150 when I met Chad. 3 months after, I was 138. As of today, i'm 133. My summer "goal" is to be to 120. No problem there.

Weights lifted....2

Last, but never least, my attitude is now being left at the door. I've been so worried about NOT getting a new job, losing Chad, and trying to be perfect. When Chad said to me, "Stop being afraid of losing me, you HAVE me", I was floored. With that, came tears of sadness, joy, and confusion. Why am I being so neurotic? Why am I not being that "Happy Tiff" that people like? Where did I fall? Why did I fail?

The answer to all of the questions couldn't have come sooner. I'd like to make a reference to "the secret" now. The secret, although I've never seen it, basically states "mind set over matter". If you think bad things are going to happen, they will. Lately, only negative thoughts have come to my mind. Well, if I want to be happy...."IF" has to come out of my dictionary and be replaced with "WHEN".

So, i'm leaving you all with some of my own "WHEN" statements:

When I get a new job, i'll be so happy and we'll be financially great.

When I get into that teeny tiny bikini, i'll be satisfied.

When I look in the mirror, I'll always see how beautiful I am.

When i'm 65 sitting with Chad on our porch(in our matching rocking chairs with beautiful grandkids playing in the yard), i'll know I made my life was all it was supposed to be.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU'VE ALL GIVEN ME DURING THIS "TRYING" TIME. IT'S DUALLY NOTED AND MUCH APPRECIATED.

Can I please speak to you for a minute?

Hi. I need to speak with you.

I've been thinkng about life a lot lately. Trying to decipher the word "friend". Now, the word friend means-"one attached to another by affection or esteem". That's better than any way I could describe the word friends. So, we'll stick with it.


Now, in all of my podering, I've realized that I have a handful of friends. Not a big handful, a small one. There are people in my life that want what's best for me. They care about me. They ask how my life is going. They ask how my boyfriend and little girl are doing. They don't pass judgement too fast when given a situation. They want to be a part of my future. They show that they want a part in my future. And I do all the same for them.

That's what you call a friend. A person who cares.

I also know my fake friends from my real friends. I don't talk to my fake friends, obviously. Nor, do I have them ANYWHERE in my life. What's the point of having someone in your life that you know talks badly of you, makes fun of you, and then shows up in your face to play nicely? I don't quite get the "fake friend" concept. If I think someone's a piece of shit or a person I don't want in my life, I let it be known. I don't know for sure why people sugar coat everything. In Utah, I see that so much. I just wonder if it's different everywhere else.

What I do know for sure is, I've met the man of my dreams. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I was born to spend my life with. He's real, honest, and to the point. He never hurts my feelings or bad mouths me to his friends. His friends and family all think i'm perfect, because he portrays me that way. He's more perfect than I could ever dream of, but sometimes, I don't give him the credit he deserves. I can't wait to spend my life with my best friend ever. We're going to have the sweetest puppies, make beautiful blonde-headed babies, and live our lives happily.

Because we are choosing to live our lives the way we want.

**Updating**

So, it's been a few days and not much has changed in my life. I'll give you a quick rundown.

Chad and I are better than ever. I think we both realize how much we love each other a little more everyday. We met 8 months ago today. I've lived with him since November. So, we moved rather quickly. I pretty much lived with him before we used the "L" word.

Even though we moved faster than we would have liked, I don't regret the decision. We've had some battles and struggles with our relationship. But it took those struggles for us to grow. Now, we know what we want. We want each other and everything we have to offer. I'm not getting married tomorrow, though. So, no need to start planning anything. We're taking it day by day and growing.

Our roommate, Steve, told me that we make a really happy couple and you know...we really do. Our home is full of love and laughter, even in bad times. You must laugh through the struggles, right? Well, for us, it works. He is so supportive of my goals and ambition. He sticks with me through everything and gives me positive criticism. He is pushing for me to be the best, as I am him. Together, we'll take on the world, no doubt about it. He's the Love Of My Life.

As far as work goes, it gets hard to make it through the day sometimes. I got a $1.00 raise. A dollar is a dollar, so I can't complain. However, I do have an interview this week with a company that will pay 2 dollars more an hour. YAY! Wish me luck. It feels like it's going to be a great opportunity and it feels like "the one". So, now it's all about interviewing and being hired.



Our Little Girl, Abigail, is growing up so fast. She just turned 1 last Monday. She's starting to become more independent. She doesn't need "Mom" and "Dad" to entertain her anymore. She's finding her own entertainment. She's getting so big, so fast. She'll be a mommy next year. I'm so excited to have little baby puppies running around. Well, until they're sold anyways. I keep saying "Babe, can I have a puppy?". Haha. The answer is always no, but I know we have enough responsibility for one pup for now.

So, i'm a little discouraged with my job, but I'm still happy. My life is so full of love from Chad, Abigail, My Family, and My Friends. No matter the struggles, i'm still so so blessed.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

The Shell That Is Now Broken....

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?


Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Wilco, Bubbles, and Wine.

This hasn'tbeen the easiest week of my life. I've had a million eye opening experiences...no joke. I've cried, laughed, loved, hated, yelled, pissed, moaned, and laughed again.

I reached my breaking point yesterday.

After a long day at the office, I cried the whole way home. I quickly contained myself before my boyfriend came home. We talked once he did. He's amazing. He always knows what to say to keep me thinking straight. To keep me going. I am blessed to have him in my life.

Today, I woke up cheerful. Once I got to work, it all went down hill.

I'm quitting my job in January. I'm moving on. I've been here for 3 and a half years. Change terrifies me, but I have changed so much this year. I figure, now's the time to get it done. So, i'm doing it.

The holidays have me stressed, man. Not money. Just stressed with family and stuff. Ugh...Can't we just skip it?

Hello Again...♥

So, it's been a month. Hi.

I'm doing my best to grow.
Changing from a girl to a woman.
It takes time.
It's taken me 22 years and an amazing man.
Now, I know the direction I want to go.
I'm finding my future self.
I'm happy.
I'm in love.
I'm laughing.
Most of all, i'm learning.
Learning to free myself from my own restraints.

I'm the only one who has control over me, but for so long, i've let everyone else control me. From what jobs I do, to what color hair i'll have. Not anymore. I'm pulling out with inner "bitch" that's been in hiding.

I'm demanding more money. I'm demanding more respect. I won't settle for dishonesty. I'm speaking my mind and saying how I feel. I'm not scared, I'm secure.

I'll do it, and in time, i'll be the amazing woman I have always wished to be. Only now, I have the strength to be that woman.