March 4, 2008

Wow...it's been a while, eh.

I can't explain how I feel right now.

I've made so many things so much harder than they should be. I've lost love for myself. It depresses me. I don't feel beautiful, sexy, smart, or funny anymore.

It hurts.

The fact that i've done this to myself, hurts even more.

I took something amazing, and I broke it. It is repairable, I know it.

I quit my job last Wednesday, my last day is Wednesday the 12th. I couldn't be happier about it. My new job is going to change a lot. I'll be happier and more satisfied with my job. That's been the biggest thing is that I'm not happy with my job. I bring my work issues home with me, and I shouldn't. I take my frustrations out on others. My new job is so excited about me starting, it's great. For once, going somewhere new is a great feeling.

I slept alone last night for the first time in about 4 months. It really sucked. I had nothing. When I woke up every half hour or so, my "BabyLove"(my parent's cat that I raised from a little kitty) was curled up in my arms. I'd start crying and do what I could to get more rest.

Today, I feel as though i've been on a 6 month drinking binge. My lips burn, my head is pounding, and my mouth feels sticky. My head is positive, my heart♥ is hurting. I made a mistake, one I can't take back, but I felt I did what I had to. I definitely learned a thing or two this week. They're hard lessons, but i'm learning them.

I'm A Mess...

I just wrote a blog, thought I deleted it, decided to start new, deleted the header and actually realized that I didn't delete anything at all.

Basically, i haven't heard back from either job interviews, but i'm still confident.

My life is a mess right now. My mood has been so awful lately. I've taken things out on Chad that I shouldn't have.

Today, i'm depressed. Yesterday, I picked myself up and laughed a ton. This morning, and afternoon, I can't place my mood. I feel like i've let myself down. I feel like i've done some damage. To myself and my best friend.

I'm staying as strong as possible, but I just want my bed and my tears. Although, I want that feeling of the things I want to go away. I don't want to mope and lay in bed. I want to go back in time, maybe just a few weeks, but I know I can't. So, i'm facing the day....everyday.

Today, It Just Feels Too Hard...

Alone, at my desk, crying.....

Tears of joy...are all that are coming from my eyes.

As of this morning, this is all I felt:

Last night, I came home to a flat tire, a nail got it. So, on top of the lack of money, I now have to worry how to pay for this tire. I still don't have a new job. AND every interview/resume response, didn't work out. I've been sinking into the dark hole of depression(explained in my last blog). I was beginning to be positive and happy. Then, my tire really just bursted my bubble.

As of 3 o'clock mountain time....I can't stop crying.

I received a phone call on a job i've been DYING to hear from. My initial phone interview went so well. So well that, I have an interview on TUESDAY. WOOT. then, I get an email from another employer for a great opportunity that I submitted my resume for THIS MORNING. I'll be interviewing with him on MONDAY. Last but not least, my dad took my tire in this afternoon and it was under warranty and replaced for FREE.

I now just feel so grateful that i've been patient. I can feel it paying off. The only tears I can muster are of pure bliss. Knowing that I am going to succeed and god...AND the power of my mind set are pushing me in the BEST of directions.


I say this now "All of my patience, hardwork, dedication, are paying off. I now get to CHOOSE what I WANT...NOT take WHAT I NEED".

I'll be commenting on all of the new posts from my fellow bloggers tomorrow.

Wishing you all well.

Shedding Some Light On Myself...

I hate feeling like i've failed. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have it now. I feel like everything I say or do, is wrong.

I start to get nauseated. I worry all too much. I get restless thinking how is :this: going to blow up in my face? When really, why should I worry? People know who I am. They know I don't hide a ton from people. I'm an open person.

Well, i've learned a lesson. Sometimes, I speak before I think. It can hurt people and I need to not do that, because that's not the type of person I am.

I need to be more private.
I need to live a little more quietly.
I can't spill my heart everywhere.
When I have problems, I need to go to the person I have the problem with.